Why are so many anonymous commenters around?

Maybe I made this mistake myself by posting my blog on my facebook.  Fair enough.  Maybe I should even clear up some obvious doubts that these anonymous posters who won't ever return to my blog again have.

I don't think I am gods gift to this earth for my charm or how great I am.  In fact, just like the majority of human beings, I too am often in self doubt.  I don't think I have anything more special than anyone else has, just like I don't really think I am diva, or black, or latino  like I also often say.  I am socially awkward, and if my attempt at self deprecating humour was a miss, then, don't read my blog.  I tried.

I don't think I am an amazing writer either.  In fact, spelling has always been really difficult for me, and sometimes even when I teach English I have to use a dictionary to remember which consonant I have to double.  In my family, my older sister takes the cake for writing.  In fact, my entire family has their own 'special talent' I would call it.  My brother is amazing at mathematics, my older sister is a great great writer, my younger sister is especially talented at music, and I have never had anything special like they do, but I manage pretty well with languages.

I don't think that 99% of my being is Diva, but I think it's hilarious to say so.  I do think it's far better to joke about how great you are than to joke about how terrible you are.  No?  Or should I write to you about how my life is a mess and I am stuck with no health insurance trying my best at a job that pays minimum money while I live countries away from my family and my best friend whom I can barely even call due to problems with time zone differences.   Would you prefer I joke about how my last job fell through and I am still trying to recover from it, because I spent all my money to go home and see my sister and brother get married?  I am so bad off with money I stole toilet paper from my job so that I could pay my rent.  I am working 12 hour days and saving all my extra money so that my little sister whom I love more than anything can come visit?  Which part of how terrible I am or how humbled I constantly am by the world I am trying to live in would you like me to put forth in writing for you to feel like I am no longer arrogant?

Anyone who knows me, and truly knows me, knows that I am a good friend, and a good person.  I try my best, and that's all anyone can ask for.  My mates who are stuck in the terrible situation where they have to choose between being my friend and having a good relationship are even worse off.  Though, I stand by my frustration.  I don't understand why I am put in the middle of their happiness, it's a horrible place for me to be stuck in, and I think it's a stupid thing on their part to do.  I have dated very good hearted and great men, who with their current girlfriends would never step out on them or treat them poorly, and I wish that their girlfriends would trust that.

Maybe I shouldn't have posted my blog on facebook, because as I realise people I have on facebook don't really know me very well, but, here you go.  I hope this clears things up for you.  Now, I will go back to writing about how awesome I am, how much I like free things, how terrible I am in love situations, and how much I wish my exes were my friends forever because I love them deeply for who they are as people...  And I will also go back to living my paycheck to paycheck, barely surviving, trying to manage my relationship and my two families, and hopefully, someday in the future I will have the luck to be everything I joke about.

At least I know that I am not somebody who would comment on someone else's writing to insult it, because whether my mum truly believes it or not, 'if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say it at all' did truly stick with me.

Let me break down for you some more reasons I hate relationships.

I know that it's not normal for people to stay friends with their ex boyfriends.  I have been told many times, by many people, that what I do is not normal.  I just frankly can't understand it.  Your boyfriend/girlfriend should be your best friend that you have a romantic spark with and it creates sexual intimacy.  Well, when the intimacy dies, you don't have to lose your best friend too.  I see it as an opportunity for either me to be honest with them, or them with me, about having lost that spark, but still wanting a friendship.  Obviously, it's not easy at first, you have routines to kiss hello and goodbye, and whatnot.. But it's not impossible.

Every time my friend gets a girlfriend, I go through the same thing.  'She's insanely jealous', or 'She thinks you're trying to break us up'.  Existing is not a proactive bitch move, and I don't understand how they justify some of the things they say.  Often, what I really want to say to them is "There's a reason we broke up, and it's the same reason we're not together, we don't love each other."..  (and on the rare occasion "clearly things were better for you, because if you're sleeping with the same man I slept with, you'd not be his girlfriend any more."), but being the good friend that I am, I keep my mouth shut.

The notion you're anyone's first and only love, is a bit arrogant.  And if you truly believe that there is no woman or man greater than you or that your boyfriend/girlfriend truly has never felt these feelings before, you're arrogant.

This idea that some people have, that their boyfriend/girlfriend should have never loved before them..  or even more arrogant that before them it was impossible to know what love is.. Is stupid.  It's stupid and it shows how little you know about men/women and their needs as human beings.

Looking at this from another angle, had they ever actually been with someone who at the age of, let's say 25, had never loved before..  They'd hate it.  It's like having a puppy for a partner (and not in that cute adorable way I dream about.)  They follow you everywhere, their emotions are fragile and easily hurt, you suddenly become responsible for them more like a parent and less like a lover.  It's not ideal, everyone needs to be that stupid boyfriend/girlfriend once in their life to learn how to control their hormones and how to be a partner.

It's like your first car.  You don't buy a BMW for your first car.  You get a junker, albeit a junker you love, but it's still a piece of crap that is OK to back into the mailbox and destroy your lawn. (it only happened to me once, and after said event it was fine because there was no mailbox in my way any more.)

You can't reason with someone who isn't reasonable.  I have learned from experience that telling somebody that their actions are irrational only leads to more problems, and much more crazy.  Worse still, taking matters into your own hands and talking to her yourself, explaining that you're no longer in love.  I still haven't quite figured out why this is the wrong move, but I have been assured it is.

All I can say is that whomever my very lucky boyfriend may be:  You're welcome because I am so awesome and not crazy. (3 weeks of the month.)

True love is like beer: It should come free and on demand!

Realistically, beer is actually preferred over love, and I am about to explain to you why.

Seeing as I have a blog filled with my scandalous mug collection and over zealousness of free things via whatever means possible..  you might find that hard to believe - I have been overly controlled by my uterus as of late, and I think we both know what that leads to... thinking about life and emotions.. and love.

So I was thinking of all the things that make dating difficult.  I don't mean why women are difficult to date in general, I mean why dating for me is particularly move difficult than for other uterus owners.  Yes ok, another post about love, but clearly you write about what is on your mind, and as a 25 year old woman controlled by her hormones, love is on the menu.

So let's break this down.  Love versus Beer.

Love you have to find, it has to be compatible.  You have to have similar interests, similar ideals, physical time together.  Beer only requires physical time together.  You sit with a bottle of beer, and you share something.  You are not required to then buy the beer a gift to thank it for listening to you, or cuddle it for some unknown amount of time to express your gratitude.

I don't know about the rest of you, but some human connection to me is just a myth.  You sit down with your other half, you look into their eyes, and you understand.  How?!  How do you understand something they haven't said.  Sometimes, I fear to say, I don't even understand what they actually express into words, let alone expression via insight into their soul.  Beer just sits there, it lets you do the connecting, at your own speed.  And when you don't understand, beer doesn't storm off and say 'if you loved me, you'd know'.

Opening up.  Your relationship requires you to be open about your feelings, to be OK crying in front of a witness.  In fact, the more you tell about your emotions and the more you cry, the more they seem to attest to your love for them.  Beer doesn't ask you to open up, it allows you to open up.  Just look at the Irish, they mostly just cry into their beer and no one chastises them for it..  But the rest of us are scolded for our lack of real life connection.

I'm pretty sure that makes the score Beer 3 - Love 0.

I envy those who understand people enough to make these connections that I so deeply wish I had.  However, until then, I am stuck wooing a beer into telling me it's deepest secrets.

Friends on the side

There's nothing worse than being someone's friend 'on-the-side', except that they seem to think you don't know that you are.  Maybe they have good intentions, they haven't had time to talk to you recently, or you've just slipped your mind..  Call me cynical, but truly if their facebook reads that they're sad because all of their friends are away and then suddenly they want to know why I don't call them..  Really?  Do they think I am stupid?  That playful 'hehe we never talk any more' doesn't take away from the fact that they've clearly stated none of their friends are around to talk.

I don't know if they think I am just desperately waiting around for friends, or if I genuinely have got so much spare time that I happen to be around whenever they want to talk, but either way, it's offensive.  Don't they feel bad?  Don't they have other things to do?  Do they crave human attention so much that they can't let their friends be away without finding their friend on-the-side to moan to?  It's difficult for me to understand, because I crave the opposite, I crave 'me' time.  I need to be alone in my own thoughts with no one calling me or texting me.

Then, if I do give in and meet for a coffee, it always turns into a 'why don't you call me any more' thing.  Why don't I call you??  Why would I?  I haven't got anything to say, and neither have you, which is why you haven't called me either.  Why would they bother playing all high and mighty like they're making so much effort to keep your friendship intact, when in fact, they only put in effort when they feel alone?  Or even worse, when they make you their 'project'.  Do you truly think I am that sad?  No, I don't want to go out with your boyfriend's friend who just got out of a two year relationship and needs a woman in his life.  I also don't want to teach English to your second cousin for a discount because we're 'friends'.  I don't need new clothes and I don't need a make-over.  It's amazing how much they know exactly what I need from life considering they've not been in it for a while.

This goes back to why am clearly not relationship bound.  There's nothing wrong with some time away from your partner.  What ever happened to 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'?  A couple needs to be as strong together as they are apart.  This applies to friendships too.  If your friendship means anything, no one plays the stupid 'why haven't we talked omg!' game.  You've not got to be stuck down each other's throats in order to maintain a friendship.  We know why we haven't talked, we're busy, and now we're talking, because we're friends.  It's not that difficult.

This means I don't want to hear that I owe you a coffee, that I haven't called you, that I have left you 'abandoned', or even that I never make time for you... Especially if this is the first time you've contacted me in months and you have recently had one of the following happen to you: you have been ill, your boyfriend/girlfriend left you, your friends all went on vacation, you lost your job.

And I really don't want to date any friends of friends.

I am deeply paranoid about my inability to figure out what is real and what is not.

I am amazing at taking compliments; while your average girlfriend might reject the compliment a few times, I am willing to not only accept your praise but build on it.  That being said I would like to think I am a relatively rational person.  That being in the sense that I am not so arrogant to not think that sometimes it's a problem with me, not with the other person.  However, I do have an ego problem, where I believe truly everyone does like me more or less.

If you take this high self esteem problem (that only I seem to have), and mix it in with my imagination..  You end up with a false sense of reality.  You say 'go away' and my head immediately adds 'for now, I am just in a bad mood'.  I can't often tell if I am in the good or bad with some people.  Worse, being the rational person I am lol, I am fully aware that my sense of reality is often false, and thus, I become paranoid.

I start to have these problems where I think things are great, and I think that he likes me too, and then suddenly he's like '..You thought we were together?' and I read back and realize.. we aren't.  It was just all being invented in my head.  Then what do you say?  "You were a fantastic imaginary boyfriend, you never got jealous and I never had to explain myself to you."?  After embarrassing yourself like that, I don't think there IS a comeback.

After said problem, I start in with the paranoia..  '....Did he really mean that when he said he wanted to take me to dinner?  Maybe he wants to take me to dinner as friends.  Maxime, don't think too highly of yourself, not EVERY breathing body with a pair of testicles attached is pining for you...' and I bring myself back to earth only to return a few minutes later with '....why are you being so cynical Maxime..  don't think that way' .... And by the time I am done dinner was just a horrible mess!

To fix this problem, I am implementing the basic system that every child uses:

But I would take out maybe.  Make up your mind mate, if you only maybe like me, just go with no.

Take this problem of misreading social situations and apply it to my every day life and you'll understand why I live happily in my own world.. Because your world sucks and in my world everyone likes me.

Girlfriends

I’ve never been one for girlfriends.  In fact, I find the term to be an oxymoron.  Most women take every immediate chance they have to rip me a new one.  In fact, I will be completely honest.  Most women scare me.

That aside, I have always admired these woman clubs other people seem to be in.  They call them their ‘girlfriends’, I prefer the term cult.  Regardless, I am in awe of them.  It would be fantastic for me to be in a position where a girl liked me enough to defend me and emotionally support me or whatever they do.  Truthfully I haven’t figured out what they do because my only real woman reference is Sex in the City, and I have a feeling that is relatively unrealistic considering I am pretty sure no one can live in NY as a writer and afford designer shoes (but really that’s only the beginning of the discrepancies).

So … I went out to dinner with a girl.  Not just any girl, a girl who seemed to think I was really cool (or at least I think so).  We got to talking, and I casually steered the conversation into subjects that I constantly hear brought up amongst girlfriends….  So things I more or less had to bullshit my way through, such as boys and make up.  I know nothing really about them seeing as my closest thing to a healthy relationship is a one way love connection via the internet and chapstick as an all-purpose make up product.  I don’t think you’ll be surprised when I say that after this, things went downhill… 

I bought fake eye-lashes, which I somehow found a way to casually bring into the conversation resulting in the desired results: an ecstatic ‘oh wow really?!’.  I was so sure I was in, right then and there.  I suddenly felt like I had earned my uterus.  We then talked about where I had bought them, when I was going to wear them, and she asked if I could put hers on for Halloween, and I said ‘Yah girl of course!’.

WHAT??  Why would I say that?  What on earth possessed me to think that I in any way should be allowed that close to someone’s face to do anything that is considered a girly skill?  I felt an immediate sensation of pure dread and anxiety. You know that saying “you’ll poke somebody’s eye out”?  I am pretty sure I am about to be an example of that, and I think doing so may disqualify me from this women’s club.

I have spent the majority of today frantically searching through wikihow and youtube for answers to my eyelash dilemma.  After extensive research into the eyelash process, my solution is to explain that I don’t have my glasses and wouldn’t want to make her look stupid, thus as the considerate girlfriend I am, will be unable to fulfill her request for fake eyelashes.  I think this will work.

Being a girlfriend, not nearly as easy as they make it out to be on Sex in the City.

Being emotionally available is too mainstream.

Being emotionally unavailable.  Now that's where it's at.

You've all seen the movies where some handsome man or beautiful woman who is clearly far out of your league, or maybe not as you're also an actor/ress in this scenario, rips you from your shell of 'reservedness', and shows you that love can really be worth it.  Right?  It's the basic story line for any sap who wants to imagine it can happen to them.  They call themselves hopeless romantics..  I say romantic is a little strong.

I had my movie scene moment.  I met someone on a train and then found them again on the internet only to proceed with a weekend fling.  It was 'You've Got Mail' circa 2011.  But where is my happy ending?  Why didn't I come out of this movie moment weekend with this sudden deeper understanding of myself and what it means to be in love?  Oh yes.  Because I am emotionally unavailable and completely lack the ability to express myself in any way, shape, or form, when I am enamoured with some unlucky victim the opposite sex.

The therapists that I don't have, but stalk online, always write things about being able to change if you're open to it.  I think the problem is basically that I am not open to it.  In fact, I am deeply against it.  I hate this feeling.  I hate feeling wide open to anyone.  I would rather have my mug collection smashed while I watch kneeling on the floor in tears before I would let myself be subject to what most people call 'romance'.

People always tell me how you know you're in love when you can't stop thinking of them... your heart begins pounding heavily when they talk back..  you feel butterflies in your tummy when they compliment you...  This is what this sounds like to me:  Subject is describing obsessive behaviour, possibly hallucinations, irregular heart palpitations and nausea.

Aside from feeling cheated out of my happy ending, I am more afraid that i'll never find out what being ill with love truly feels like.  I would like to stress the word ill.