Being emotionally available is too mainstream.

Being emotionally unavailable.  Now that's where it's at.

You've all seen the movies where some handsome man or beautiful woman who is clearly far out of your league, or maybe not as you're also an actor/ress in this scenario, rips you from your shell of 'reservedness', and shows you that love can really be worth it.  Right?  It's the basic story line for any sap who wants to imagine it can happen to them.  They call themselves hopeless romantics..  I say romantic is a little strong.

I had my movie scene moment.  I met someone on a train and then found them again on the internet only to proceed with a weekend fling.  It was 'You've Got Mail' circa 2011.  But where is my happy ending?  Why didn't I come out of this movie moment weekend with this sudden deeper understanding of myself and what it means to be in love?  Oh yes.  Because I am emotionally unavailable and completely lack the ability to express myself in any way, shape, or form, when I am enamoured with some unlucky victim the opposite sex.

The therapists that I don't have, but stalk online, always write things about being able to change if you're open to it.  I think the problem is basically that I am not open to it.  In fact, I am deeply against it.  I hate this feeling.  I hate feeling wide open to anyone.  I would rather have my mug collection smashed while I watch kneeling on the floor in tears before I would let myself be subject to what most people call 'romance'.

People always tell me how you know you're in love when you can't stop thinking of them... your heart begins pounding heavily when they talk back..  you feel butterflies in your tummy when they compliment you...  This is what this sounds like to me:  Subject is describing obsessive behaviour, possibly hallucinations, irregular heart palpitations and nausea.

Aside from feeling cheated out of my happy ending, I am more afraid that i'll never find out what being ill with love truly feels like.  I would like to stress the word ill.