Maybe I made this mistake myself by posting my blog on my facebook. Fair enough. Maybe I should even clear up some obvious doubts that these anonymous posters who won't ever return to my blog again have.
I don't think I am gods gift to this earth for my charm or how great I am. In fact, just like the majority of human beings, I too am often in self doubt. I don't think I have anything more special than anyone else has, just like I don't really think I am diva, or black, or latino like I also often say. I am socially awkward, and if my attempt at self deprecating humour was a miss, then, don't read my blog. I tried.
I don't think I am an amazing writer either. In fact, spelling has always been really difficult for me, and sometimes even when I teach English I have to use a dictionary to remember which consonant I have to double. In my family, my older sister takes the cake for writing. In fact, my entire family has their own 'special talent' I would call it. My brother is amazing at mathematics, my older sister is a great great writer, my younger sister is especially talented at music, and I have never had anything special like they do, but I manage pretty well with languages.
I don't think that 99% of my being is Diva, but I think it's hilarious to say so. I do think it's far better to joke about how great you are than to joke about how terrible you are. No? Or should I write to you about how my life is a mess and I am stuck with no health insurance trying my best at a job that pays minimum money while I live countries away from my family and my best friend whom I can barely even call due to problems with time zone differences. Would you prefer I joke about how my last job fell through and I am still trying to recover from it, because I spent all my money to go home and see my sister and brother get married? I am so bad off with money I stole toilet paper from my job so that I could pay my rent. I am working 12 hour days and saving all my extra money so that my little sister whom I love more than anything can come visit? Which part of how terrible I am or how humbled I constantly am by the world I am trying to live in would you like me to put forth in writing for you to feel like I am no longer arrogant?
Anyone who knows me, and truly knows me, knows that I am a good friend, and a good person. I try my best, and that's all anyone can ask for. My mates who are stuck in the terrible situation where they have to choose between being my friend and having a good relationship are even worse off. Though, I stand by my frustration. I don't understand why I am put in the middle of their happiness, it's a horrible place for me to be stuck in, and I think it's a stupid thing on their part to do. I have dated very good hearted and great men, who with their current girlfriends would never step out on them or treat them poorly, and I wish that their girlfriends would trust that.
Maybe I shouldn't have posted my blog on facebook, because as I realise people I have on facebook don't really know me very well, but, here you go. I hope this clears things up for you. Now, I will go back to writing about how awesome I am, how much I like free things, how terrible I am in love situations, and how much I wish my exes were my friends forever because I love them deeply for who they are as people... And I will also go back to living my paycheck to paycheck, barely surviving, trying to manage my relationship and my two families, and hopefully, someday in the future I will have the luck to be everything I joke about.
At least I know that I am not somebody who would comment on someone else's writing to insult it, because whether my mum truly believes it or not, 'if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say it at all' did truly stick with me.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Let me break down for you some more reasons I hate relationships.
I know that it's not normal for people to stay friends with their ex boyfriends. I have been told many times, by many people, that what I do is not normal. I just frankly can't understand it. Your boyfriend/girlfriend should be your best friend that you have a romantic spark with and it creates sexual intimacy. Well, when the intimacy dies, you don't have to lose your best friend too. I see it as an opportunity for either me to be honest with them, or them with me, about having lost that spark, but still wanting a friendship. Obviously, it's not easy at first, you have routines to kiss hello and goodbye, and whatnot.. But it's not impossible.
Every time my friend gets a girlfriend, I go through the same thing. 'She's insanely jealous', or 'She thinks you're trying to break us up'. Existing is not a proactive bitch move, and I don't understand how they justify some of the things they say. Often, what I really want to say to them is "There's a reason we broke up, and it's the same reason we're not together, we don't love each other.".. (and on the rare occasion "clearly things were better for you, because if you're sleeping with the same man I slept with, you'd not be his girlfriend any more."), but being the good friend that I am, I keep my mouth shut.
This idea that some people have, that their boyfriend/girlfriend should have never loved before them.. or even more arrogant that before them it was impossible to know what love is.. Is stupid. It's stupid and it shows how little you know about men/women and their needs as human beings.
Looking at this from another angle, had they ever actually been with someone who at the age of, let's say 25, had never loved before.. They'd hate it. It's like having a puppy for a partner (and not in that cute adorable way I dream about.) They follow you everywhere, their emotions are fragile and easily hurt, you suddenly become responsible for them more like a parent and less like a lover. It's not ideal, everyone needs to be that stupid boyfriend/girlfriend once in their life to learn how to control their hormones and how to be a partner.
It's like your first car. You don't buy a BMW for your first car. You get a junker, albeit a junker you love, but it's still a piece of crap that is OK to back into the mailbox and destroy your lawn. (it only happened to me once, and after said event it was fine because there was no mailbox in my way any more.)
You can't reason with someone who isn't reasonable. I have learned from experience that telling somebody that their actions are irrational only leads to more problems, and much more crazy. Worse still, taking matters into your own hands and talking to her yourself, explaining that you're no longer in love. I still haven't quite figured out why this is the wrong move, but I have been assured it is.
All I can say is that whomever my very lucky boyfriend may be: You're welcome because I am so awesome and not crazy. (3 weeks of the month.)
Friday, November 2, 2012
True love is like beer: It should come free and on demand!
Realistically, beer is actually preferred over love, and I am about to explain to you why.
Seeing as I have a blog filled with my scandalous mug collection and over zealousness of free things via whatever means possible.. you might find that hard to believe - I have been overly controlled by my uterus as of late, and I think we both know what that leads to... thinking about life and emotions.. and love.
So I was thinking of all the things that make dating difficult. I don't mean why women are difficult to date in general, I mean why dating for me is particularly move difficult than for other uterus owners. Yes ok, another post about love, but clearly you write about what is on your mind, and as a 25 year old woman controlled by her hormones, love is on the menu.
So let's break this down. Love versus Beer.
Love you have to find, it has to be compatible. You have to have similar interests, similar ideals, physical time together. Beer only requires physical time together. You sit with a bottle of beer, and you share something. You are not required to then buy the beer a gift to thank it for listening to you, or cuddle it for some unknown amount of time to express your gratitude.
I don't know about the rest of you, but some human connection to me is just a myth. You sit down with your other half, you look into their eyes, and you understand. How?! How do you understand something they haven't said. Sometimes, I fear to say, I don't even understand what they actually express into words, let alone expression via insight into their soul. Beer just sits there, it lets you do the connecting, at your own speed. And when you don't understand, beer doesn't storm off and say 'if you loved me, you'd know'.
Opening up. Your relationship requires you to be open about your feelings, to be OK crying in front of a witness. In fact, the more you tell about your emotions and the more you cry, the more they seem to attest to your love for them. Beer doesn't ask you to open up, it allows you to open up. Just look at the Irish, they mostly just cry into their beer and no one chastises them for it.. But the rest of us are scolded for our lack of real life connection.
I'm pretty sure that makes the score Beer 3 - Love 0.
I envy those who understand people enough to make these connections that I so deeply wish I had. However, until then, I am stuck wooing a beer into telling me it's deepest secrets.
So I was thinking of all the things that make dating difficult. I don't mean why women are difficult to date in general, I mean why dating for me is particularly move difficult than for other uterus owners. Yes ok, another post about love, but clearly you write about what is on your mind, and as a 25 year old woman controlled by her hormones, love is on the menu.
So let's break this down. Love versus Beer.
Love you have to find, it has to be compatible. You have to have similar interests, similar ideals, physical time together. Beer only requires physical time together. You sit with a bottle of beer, and you share something. You are not required to then buy the beer a gift to thank it for listening to you, or cuddle it for some unknown amount of time to express your gratitude.
I don't know about the rest of you, but some human connection to me is just a myth. You sit down with your other half, you look into their eyes, and you understand. How?! How do you understand something they haven't said. Sometimes, I fear to say, I don't even understand what they actually express into words, let alone expression via insight into their soul. Beer just sits there, it lets you do the connecting, at your own speed. And when you don't understand, beer doesn't storm off and say 'if you loved me, you'd know'.
Opening up. Your relationship requires you to be open about your feelings, to be OK crying in front of a witness. In fact, the more you tell about your emotions and the more you cry, the more they seem to attest to your love for them. Beer doesn't ask you to open up, it allows you to open up. Just look at the Irish, they mostly just cry into their beer and no one chastises them for it.. But the rest of us are scolded for our lack of real life connection.
I'm pretty sure that makes the score Beer 3 - Love 0.
I envy those who understand people enough to make these connections that I so deeply wish I had. However, until then, I am stuck wooing a beer into telling me it's deepest secrets.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Friends on the side
There's nothing worse than being someone's friend 'on-the-side', except that they seem to think you don't know that you are. Maybe they have good intentions, they haven't had time to talk to you recently, or you've just slipped your mind.. Call me cynical, but truly if their facebook reads that they're sad because all of their friends are away and then suddenly they want to know why I don't call them.. Really? Do they think I am stupid? That playful 'hehe we never talk any more' doesn't take away from the fact that they've clearly stated none of their friends are around to talk.
I don't know if they think I am just desperately waiting around for friends, or if I genuinely have got so much spare time that I happen to be around whenever they want to talk, but either way, it's offensive. Don't they feel bad? Don't they have other things to do? Do they crave human attention so much that they can't let their friends be away without finding their friend on-the-side to moan to? It's difficult for me to understand, because I crave the opposite, I crave 'me' time. I need to be alone in my own thoughts with no one calling me or texting me.
Then, if I do give in and meet for a coffee, it always turns into a 'why don't you call me any more' thing. Why don't I call you?? Why would I? I haven't got anything to say, and neither have you, which is why you haven't called me either. Why would they bother playing all high and mighty like they're making so much effort to keep your friendship intact, when in fact, they only put in effort when they feel alone? Or even worse, when they make you their 'project'. Do you truly think I am that sad? No, I don't want to go out with your boyfriend's friend who just got out of a two year relationship and needs a woman in his life. I also don't want to teach English to your second cousin for a discount because we're 'friends'. I don't need new clothes and I don't need a make-over. It's amazing how much they know exactly what I need from life considering they've not been in it for a while.
This goes back to why am clearly not relationship bound. There's nothing wrong with some time away from your partner. What ever happened to 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'? A couple needs to be as strong together as they are apart. This applies to friendships too. If your friendship means anything, no one plays the stupid 'why haven't we talked omg!' game. You've not got to be stuck down each other's throats in order to maintain a friendship. We know why we haven't talked, we're busy, and now we're talking, because we're friends. It's not that difficult.
This means I don't want to hear that I owe you a coffee, that I haven't called you, that I have left you 'abandoned', or even that I never make time for you... Especially if this is the first time you've contacted me in months and you have recently had one of the following happen to you: you have been ill, your boyfriend/girlfriend left you, your friends all went on vacation, you lost your job.
And I really don't want to date any friends of friends.
I don't know if they think I am just desperately waiting around for friends, or if I genuinely have got so much spare time that I happen to be around whenever they want to talk, but either way, it's offensive. Don't they feel bad? Don't they have other things to do? Do they crave human attention so much that they can't let their friends be away without finding their friend on-the-side to moan to? It's difficult for me to understand, because I crave the opposite, I crave 'me' time. I need to be alone in my own thoughts with no one calling me or texting me.
Then, if I do give in and meet for a coffee, it always turns into a 'why don't you call me any more' thing. Why don't I call you?? Why would I? I haven't got anything to say, and neither have you, which is why you haven't called me either. Why would they bother playing all high and mighty like they're making so much effort to keep your friendship intact, when in fact, they only put in effort when they feel alone? Or even worse, when they make you their 'project'. Do you truly think I am that sad? No, I don't want to go out with your boyfriend's friend who just got out of a two year relationship and needs a woman in his life. I also don't want to teach English to your second cousin for a discount because we're 'friends'. I don't need new clothes and I don't need a make-over. It's amazing how much they know exactly what I need from life considering they've not been in it for a while.
This goes back to why am clearly not relationship bound. There's nothing wrong with some time away from your partner. What ever happened to 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'? A couple needs to be as strong together as they are apart. This applies to friendships too. If your friendship means anything, no one plays the stupid 'why haven't we talked omg!' game. You've not got to be stuck down each other's throats in order to maintain a friendship. We know why we haven't talked, we're busy, and now we're talking, because we're friends. It's not that difficult.
This means I don't want to hear that I owe you a coffee, that I haven't called you, that I have left you 'abandoned', or even that I never make time for you... Especially if this is the first time you've contacted me in months and you have recently had one of the following happen to you: you have been ill, your boyfriend/girlfriend left you, your friends all went on vacation, you lost your job.
And I really don't want to date any friends of friends.
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