Thursday, November 8, 2012

Why are so many anonymous commenters around?

Maybe I made this mistake myself by posting my blog on my facebook.  Fair enough.  Maybe I should even clear up some obvious doubts that these anonymous posters who won't ever return to my blog again have.

I don't think I am gods gift to this earth for my charm or how great I am.  In fact, just like the majority of human beings, I too am often in self doubt.  I don't think I have anything more special than anyone else has, just like I don't really think I am diva, or black, or latino  like I also often say.  I am socially awkward, and if my attempt at self deprecating humour was a miss, then, don't read my blog.  I tried.

I don't think I am an amazing writer either.  In fact, spelling has always been really difficult for me, and sometimes even when I teach English I have to use a dictionary to remember which consonant I have to double.  In my family, my older sister takes the cake for writing.  In fact, my entire family has their own 'special talent' I would call it.  My brother is amazing at mathematics, my older sister is a great great writer, my younger sister is especially talented at music, and I have never had anything special like they do, but I manage pretty well with languages.

I don't think that 99% of my being is Diva, but I think it's hilarious to say so.  I do think it's far better to joke about how great you are than to joke about how terrible you are.  No?  Or should I write to you about how my life is a mess and I am stuck with no health insurance trying my best at a job that pays minimum money while I live countries away from my family and my best friend whom I can barely even call due to problems with time zone differences.   Would you prefer I joke about how my last job fell through and I am still trying to recover from it, because I spent all my money to go home and see my sister and brother get married?  I am so bad off with money I stole toilet paper from my job so that I could pay my rent.  I am working 12 hour days and saving all my extra money so that my little sister whom I love more than anything can come visit?  Which part of how terrible I am or how humbled I constantly am by the world I am trying to live in would you like me to put forth in writing for you to feel like I am no longer arrogant?

Anyone who knows me, and truly knows me, knows that I am a good friend, and a good person.  I try my best, and that's all anyone can ask for.  My mates who are stuck in the terrible situation where they have to choose between being my friend and having a good relationship are even worse off.  Though, I stand by my frustration.  I don't understand why I am put in the middle of their happiness, it's a horrible place for me to be stuck in, and I think it's a stupid thing on their part to do.  I have dated very good hearted and great men, who with their current girlfriends would never step out on them or treat them poorly, and I wish that their girlfriends would trust that.

Maybe I shouldn't have posted my blog on facebook, because as I realise people I have on facebook don't really know me very well, but, here you go.  I hope this clears things up for you.  Now, I will go back to writing about how awesome I am, how much I like free things, how terrible I am in love situations, and how much I wish my exes were my friends forever because I love them deeply for who they are as people...  And I will also go back to living my paycheck to paycheck, barely surviving, trying to manage my relationship and my two families, and hopefully, someday in the future I will have the luck to be everything I joke about.

At least I know that I am not somebody who would comment on someone else's writing to insult it, because whether my mum truly believes it or not, 'if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say it at all' did truly stick with me.

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