Cynicism is the intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligence.

I don't even know where to begin on how much I hate this word.  Cynicism.  Not even the word, but the stigma that comes along with it.  And unfortunately, this word has been playing a more than desireably big role in my life recently.

I had someone say to me not that long ago that I am not as cynical as I pretended to be.  I am not sure what kind of backhanded compliment that was, because on one hand I would hate to be cynical so at least they don't think I am, but on the other, it's even worse to think that they think I would be so insecure about myself that I would try to pretend to be unhappy?  I can't fully grasp my head around that concept.  I wish I could say this wasn't the only time someone has come to me expecting me to be some sort of deeply angered person.  I don't remember ever being so deeply damaged that I became cynical..  I feel like I remember the opposite -- I always expected too much out of everything.

But moreso, what really drives me crazy is this idea that if you're cynical, it's because you have a deeper understanding of the world.  Thus, making naiveté the opposite of cynicism, which is an idea that I completely disagree with.  Going through life is an uphill battle, and no one is going to tell you otherwise.  Those who think that cynicism shows some deeper understanding of this battle are completely wrong.. It shows defeat.  Maybe I am not cynical, but not because I don't understand the world around me, rather that I haven't lost yet.

I may not be very strong as a person, physically or emotionally... In fact, I would say that I am quite sensitive. Sensitive is not weak.  I am resilient.  You can knock me down as many times as you want, it doesn't matter.  I will get back up.  You can say passively hurtful comments, backhanded compliments, or just downright insult me, and I may cry..  But at the end of the day, I walk away, and you're still just as hurt inside.  

I see everyone's eyes roll at me when I get excited about stupid things, and when I cry at baby orca shows, and when I use the same adjectives over and over again...  But who is the stronger of us?  The one who rolls their eyes at you for finding the beauty in the world despite how many people want to knock them down?  Or the one who doesn't get knocked down because they've already closed themselves off?

One of the saddest things that can happen to a person is to just become disengaged from life.. And that's what cynicism really is.  But not me, I have a non stop list of things that I can smile about.  And smile I will.