Love to me is a four-letter word.

I don't think there has ever been a time in my life where I felt comfortable to 'be in love'.  I would describe the feeling of love more as a symptom of a greater, and more terrifyingly terminal illness.  Don't worry, I won't compare it to cancer as that would be horribly insensitive and people might find it offensive.  Actually, no, I would equate the dread I feel for that feeling to the dread I feel for getting skin cancer. I'm realllllly white.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's beautiful.. For other people.  And I can fully understand the concept, and the desire, to fall in love.  I just can't go there myself.

Dare I explain how all of this got brought on?  Well, it all started with a memory box.  In this memory box I keep love letters, and cards I receive with flower arrangements..  So on so forth.  Lovey things, of which sadly I have many.

I know that often I joke about being a maneater, or a diva, but truthfully, I am only a fan of the 'have your cake and eat it too' take on romance because I can't eat a cake..  That is to say, in the matters of love, I am diabetic.  That is to say..  if love were cake, I would be the diabetic that sees the risks, admires the cake, but doesn't eat it..  Whilst most would take a bite just to feel it, and risk high blood sugar.. Which by the way makes you grumpy.  The more I continue, the more I feel that love is more like diabetes than cancer.

As I equate love to various illnesses, I realise why I am single.

I read these love letters various times over the course of a few months after having received them, but I realise I feel just as uncomfortable reading them now than I did when I received them.  It's that sense of dread, like they've offered some great gift to me and not only am I incapable of responding appropriately, but I know that by a lack of action, I am in fact responding.

Well said.

Please don't take me for a cynic, or try to over-analyse this post.  Clearly I have been near the ultimate 'love goal' once or twice in my time.  Once or twice too many if you ask me -- I spent many an uncomfortable year dodging the 'L' word, and many an awkward conversation mumbling out whatever I can find in the back of my mind trying to avoid saying 'you're cute'.  I am no farther from the sanity train than the rest of you if you ask me.. I'm just more honest about how comfortable I am to be riding solo.

All of that being said.  You can buy my love for a limited time with a starbucks mug.