Monday, August 22, 2011

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.

I am charming.  Modest, not so much.

No but truly, I consider myself charming.  I read a quote not long ago that said charm is the ability to make both parties to the conversation think they are pretty wonderful.  It's true, there are people that you talk to who just warm you up inside, and make you feel comfortable.  I am one of those people.  I have the ability to make people ambitious and excited just by being near me. That is, unless, I have a crush on you.

I can be wooed, I can even play the cat and mouse game... but wooing?  That's an entirely different story.  When I try to woo, I am no longer bilingual, in fact, I fear I have no language.  I have no coordination, and I have no ability to judge.  I am not just talking about judging alcohol intake, which I also lack, but judging distances, judging social situations, judging how interested they are.  It's all magically gone, and I am left with some type of verbal deficit of a nature that I can't really explain.

In fact, I would say my abilities with men are so lacking, you should be more worried if I am charming you than if I am not.  Though if I am not, you may be tempted to leave, in which case I beg of you to believe me when I say I am not actually as retarded as I seem... and whilst the emotional scars of watching me in such a state may last forever, I will soon loosen up and I promise you, I am quite fun.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Don't expect poetry out of me normally. Seriously.

I loved you, and I probably still do,
And for a while the feeling may remain...
But let my love no longer trouble you,
I do not wish to cause you any pain.
I loved you; and the hopelessness I knew,
The jealousy, the shyness - though in vain -
Made up a love so tender and so true
As may God grant you to be loved again.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Cynicism is the intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligence.

I don't even know where to begin on how much I hate this word.  Cynicism.  Not even the word, but the stigma that comes along with it.  And unfortunately, this word has been playing a more than desireably big role in my life recently.

I had someone say to me not that long ago that I am not as cynical as I pretended to be.  I am not sure what kind of backhanded compliment that was, because on one hand I would hate to be cynical so at least they don't think I am, but on the other, it's even worse to think that they think I would be so insecure about myself that I would try to pretend to be unhappy?  I can't fully grasp my head around that concept.  I wish I could say this wasn't the only time someone has come to me expecting me to be some sort of deeply angered person.  I don't remember ever being so deeply damaged that I became cynical..  I feel like I remember the opposite -- I always expected too much out of everything.

But moreso, what really drives me crazy is this idea that if you're cynical, it's because you have a deeper understanding of the world.  Thus, making naiveté the opposite of cynicism, which is an idea that I completely disagree with.  Going through life is an uphill battle, and no one is going to tell you otherwise.  Those who think that cynicism shows some deeper understanding of this battle are completely wrong.. It shows defeat.  Maybe I am not cynical, but not because I don't understand the world around me, rather that I haven't lost yet.

I may not be very strong as a person, physically or emotionally... In fact, I would say that I am quite sensitive. Sensitive is not weak.  I am resilient.  You can knock me down as many times as you want, it doesn't matter.  I will get back up.  You can say passively hurtful comments, backhanded compliments, or just downright insult me, and I may cry..  But at the end of the day, I walk away, and you're still just as hurt inside.  

I see everyone's eyes roll at me when I get excited about stupid things, and when I cry at baby orca shows, and when I use the same adjectives over and over again...  But who is the stronger of us?  The one who rolls their eyes at you for finding the beauty in the world despite how many people want to knock them down?  Or the one who doesn't get knocked down because they've already closed themselves off?

One of the saddest things that can happen to a person is to just become disengaged from life.. And that's what cynicism really is.  But not me, I have a non stop list of things that I can smile about.  And smile I will.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

I see everything as a personal challenge.


Before you jump to conclusions, and call me competitive, or childish, think for a moment and hear me out.  Everyone is taught to set goals for themselves right?  In fact, in weight loss programs, for example, they tell you to set small goals that are reachable and will make you feel good about yourself.  So why not do this in your real life?  Just don't tell anyone, lest you scare them out of being their friend (because of their clear inferiority, seeing as they have won none of these silent challenges).

We have already discussed my slight obsessions with buffets.  Let's look at it from another angle.  It doesn't have to be that strange lady who puts rolls in her purse and eats four plates of food while denying medical attention because she is sure that if she just lets it digest a bit she can eat more.  It can be that woman who is single-handedly taking down the man by decreasing profits and increasing a health care bill that she will pay for on government insurance.  Yet - as I lay there in the booth convincing whichever unlucky boyfriend (not for long) I have managed to coerce into coming with me, into getting me another plate..  No one thinks me a hero.

It isn't just buffets that I win at either.  I win at everything in my little world.  If we're walking to the door, and I am ahead of you, you can be sure that in my head I am thinking 'bahaha sucker'.  If we're talking on the phone, and I make a quick run to hang up, hanging up before you counts as a win in my book.  I am not crazy, I am self motivating.  I directly attribute my high self-esteem to my ability to win at everything.

Moreso, on the rare occasion that I lose, no one knows.  Recently, and I will leave names out of this so said competitor does not know he won, but I lost a pizza eating contest.  I was the only one participating in the contest, and I cannot even begin to tell you how much pizza was consumed throughout the 30 minutes I sat at the table, but I can say that I felt horribly ill for hours, and the other person continued to eat.  While it was shameful, seeing as not only did they clearly win the contest, but they didn't even know thus didn't try, I did not have to tell them they won and never had to put up with gloating.. Just a few awkward looks because I seriously ate an inhumane amount of pizza.  It's ok, I wasn't trying to woo them so there was no need to look feminine.

The long and short of this is..  Set personal challenges, win at everything.  Like a boss diva.

Love to me is a four-letter word.

I don't think there has ever been a time in my life where I felt comfortable to 'be in love'.  I would describe the feeling of love more as a symptom of a greater, and more terrifyingly terminal illness.  Don't worry, I won't compare it to cancer as that would be horribly insensitive and people might find it offensive.  Actually, no, I would equate the dread I feel for that feeling to the dread I feel for getting skin cancer. I'm realllllly white.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's beautiful.. For other people.  And I can fully understand the concept, and the desire, to fall in love.  I just can't go there myself.

Dare I explain how all of this got brought on?  Well, it all started with a memory box.  In this memory box I keep love letters, and cards I receive with flower arrangements..  So on so forth.  Lovey things, of which sadly I have many.

I know that often I joke about being a maneater, or a diva, but truthfully, I am only a fan of the 'have your cake and eat it too' take on romance because I can't eat a cake..  That is to say, in the matters of love, I am diabetic.  That is to say..  if love were cake, I would be the diabetic that sees the risks, admires the cake, but doesn't eat it..  Whilst most would take a bite just to feel it, and risk high blood sugar.. Which by the way makes you grumpy.  The more I continue, the more I feel that love is more like diabetes than cancer.

As I equate love to various illnesses, I realise why I am single.

I read these love letters various times over the course of a few months after having received them, but I realise I feel just as uncomfortable reading them now than I did when I received them.  It's that sense of dread, like they've offered some great gift to me and not only am I incapable of responding appropriately, but I know that by a lack of action, I am in fact responding.

Well said.

Please don't take me for a cynic, or try to over-analyse this post.  Clearly I have been near the ultimate 'love goal' once or twice in my time.  Once or twice too many if you ask me -- I spent many an uncomfortable year dodging the 'L' word, and many an awkward conversation mumbling out whatever I can find in the back of my mind trying to avoid saying 'you're cute'.  I am no farther from the sanity train than the rest of you if you ask me.. I'm just more honest about how comfortable I am to be riding solo.

All of that being said.  You can buy my love for a limited time with a starbucks mug.