Wednesday, June 29, 2011

If it's free for me, give me three :D

Free shit.  I love it.. And I mean really love it.  It doesn't matter what it is, if I'll ever need it, if I'll use it, if I even want it -- I make a point of taking as much as possible when it is free.  I bring an entirely new meaning to frugal.

This attitude, whilst making me what I would like to so generously call an opportunist..  Also makes me a danger to, say, buffets.  Buffets to me are just a challenge.  I see it as: I have paid X amount to eat an unlimited amount of food.  Therefore, per food item, I am decreasing the amount per item paid, until I get a great deal.  By getting a great deal, I have ensured that the weight I have gained from said endeavor was for a good cause, thus, feeling good about getting pudgy.

My boyfriend.  Don't be jealous.

The only thing I am worse with, is samples.  Free samples.  I will actually double-back and go for gold.  Shame is not a problem for me, and even less if I am on vacation or in an area I don't visit a lot.

And if you thought that was embarrassing, wait until you actually go on holiday.  I will do things like extra ironing while the electricity in our hotel room has already been paid for, excessive water drinking if it's free, and even worse, those free sides they offer at some hotels or bars -- in my purse.

Maybe this links with my apparent hoarding problem.

Sunday, June 26, 2011


More like flirting with disaster.  Clearly this entire area of social interaction is somewhat blurry for me, but I can tell you with absolute confidence that grabbing someone between the legs is not how it's done.  That crosses an entirely new line of 'forward' of which not only am I unfamiliar, but completely uninterested in knowing.  People say I am direct, but, like that?  Goodness no.

The best part about this image is -- it showed up when I typed in 'flirting'.
It links you to a sexual assault website.

They must have had a run in with previously mentioned overly-forward man.

This is what I found when searching Sexual Assault:
Girl, is that a multicoloured shiny blue and pink rainbow tie?  He's not checking out her ass, he's checking out her shoes.  'Flirting' got much more questionable images.

What I would really like to know is, does that really work for some people?  Do women line up just for a quick vajazzle grab? (is a Vajazz-hands joke too crude to make?)  Because I am only assuming it was done with such confidence because it had such good results previously.  What I thought was creepy to start turned into 'potential rapist'.  All I can think is that if he wasn't trying to flirt with me, he was checking to make sure I had nothing there.  Is that a common problem for him?  Do I instil doubt in what gender I am?

If you remember my other posts, I tend to only have romantic run-ins with say.. Scandinavia.  This does not make me in any way knowledgeable about flirting.  In fact, I would say this makes me less experienced than the average uterus owner*.  I can however say with certainty that a choch grab is no way to woo a lady**.  The funniest part of all of this though, is that said overly-forward man was wearing a Norway T-Shirt.  It's like Scandinavia is sexually assaulting taunting me all over again.

Then again -- Maybe this is why I have thus far been unsuccessful in Spain.

**In most countries.  I am clearly not an expert.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Spring Cleaning.

So, it's not spring, I know..  But I decided to do some spring cleaning.  I have just finished my courses in the Academy, and now I have papers galore that I don't need.  This sparked greater ideas, such as, where to put all of the millions of boxes of creams, markers, crayons, and pharmaceuticals which come in boxes that all look the same with names I don't know if I could read in English let alone Spanish.

Aside from my sudden urge to organise all of last year in anticipation of the next two summer months, I have discovered I am a hoarder.  There was no nice way to transition into that statement.  I am a hoarder.  I own things (I think they're mine, I am not particularly sure) that are of no use and will never be of any use to me, and I somehow find ways to tuck them into drawers and boxes.  Or the forever useful 'if I stack it nicely, it looks organised' tactic.

Why would I ever need three bags of Norwegian sweets?  Or a big red and pink candy cane?  Or expired train tickets that no one is ever going to reimburse me for?  Or cardboard jewellery boxes that are too small to fit anything and I will never use to give gifts because I am too cheap to give out jewellery.  Another good question might be how did I come across 28 ikea pencils?  And what are they doing in a mug from mallorca..?  Do I know anyone in Mallorca?  I haven't been.

Cleaning my room is not just about reorganising myself any more.. It's an adventure.  Every time I pick up something that I can't remember ever buying or having or think I will never use.. I spend about 10 minutes trying to remember/invent a cool story on how it came to be.

All of those people who say they're doing spring cleaning and they just dust and throw out a few old papers, you're amateurs.  Clearly you lack my ability to find/keep things that you don't remember later you have (not that it matters because you don't need any of these things either).  And by ability, I mean talent.

Also, That was only making it through my desk.  I haven't even touched my book shelves.

Also, by hoarder I meant diva.

Monday, June 20, 2011

If you don't know who I am, don't fb poke me.

I think you all know what I am talking about.  There are always those few people who don't make any effort to talk to you (most likely because you're just acquaintances) but still poke you ALL the time.  A poke is not a form of communication.

I have found something worse.  BBM stalkers.  BlackBerry Messenger.  I am all for telling people what's going on in my life.  Hell, I even made a BLOG in order to update everyone on how Diva I am.

But there are a few people who will message me just to update me on their daily activities.  This includes just how they are feeling at that moment, just to say 'hi' but not wanting an actual conversation, or even to tell me what they are currently doing which is why they can't chat.  Despite having proven otherwise in the majority of my posts, I have difficulty keeping tactful relations with people.  This means, I don't even know how to properly respond back to some of these messages because I really and honestly don't care.

A realistic representation for said people.  Also -- they forgot the apostrophe.  Probably because they were too busy updating their blackberry crackberry.

But it gets worse than this.  Because sometimes when I don't respond, they do this 'PING'.  That makes my phone beep louder.  No I promise you, I read that you're feeling happy, but can't talk because you are currently cleaning..  And hence why I didn't respond.  Furthermore, what did you want me to respond with?  I got your message.  I don't know what you want me to say.

It's almost as if ever since getting a blackberry people have decided they no longer need to use their facebook feed -- they can just BBM it to me.

I haven't even figured out if these people want sympathy from me for whatever it is they are doing and/or feeling, or if they want me to respond with what I am currently doing and/or feeling.  Neither of which I am willing to do.  (I once tried to respond with 'I'm pissing', and said person told me that wasn't a very lady-like thing to say...)

I also don't mean to be rude here, but, unless I am receiving some type of loving from you, such as a boyfriend, I don't put up with this.  To clarify, I mean REALLY GOOD loving.  None of this mediocre stuff.  Being available to read your every thought and feeling is not worth a friendship to me.  And I am not even fully sure I would put up with this from a boyfriend.  I would dump you.

I am however available in case you actually want to chat, something major has happened in your life and you want to share it with me, or you're bleeding to death and need assistance.  You probably shouldn't call me for the last, but, I would actually respond.  I'd also PING you to make sure you're still alive.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Mother fuckin' sharks.

So this weekend I was at the beach.  Only two days, but enough to be so sunburnt that I am struggling to type this post.  The only thing that can fix this is time and a lot of paracetamol and ibuprofen, and even then, scars may be left.  That's an exaggeration, but, it really really hurts.  And it's true that no amount of aloe or painkillers is seeming to help.

Ok so -- for all of you who know me, you already know that I have an 'over-active imagination'.  This means, you see one thing, and I see it 20x worse (or better)..  Or more often, I see something out of nothing.  I can be walking down the street for example and I see trash bags, I am pretty sure it's a dog by the way they are stacked..  It doesn't help I need glasses :P

Now - Add in my super irrational fear of sharks, and the ocean, and it's just bad news.  Just to make you understand further, I have such an irrational fear of sharks solely based off of seeing the trailer to jaws as a child, and as a result I used to fear that sharks could come out of the tap in the bath.. Yepp.

That means, when you bring me to the beach, add in a few beers..  This is what you see:

No I am not kidding by showing you this.. And I think you all know what I am talking about when you go into clearly seaweed infested waters and you think fish are grabbing your feet.  I really don't think that is just me.
And this is what I see:

Except, not as big and more blood-thirsty.

As long as I can see my feet, I am usually more or less ok.  Also, I have pride issues so unless I really trust you I will pretend like I am not about to have a heart attack or any other fear related injury whilst I slowly walk in the water only to make some type of excuse and peace out.  Not that I do that.

And for further emphasis.. Again.  This is what you see:

Annnnnd what I see:

Doesn't look so bad?  Try stepping on them.  More painful than pebbles.

You call it crazy, I know.  I call it.. creative.  If you don't like that way of putting it, I would also accept overly-safe.

Think of it this way -- next time you're on the beach and you see a shark and think 'oooh why is the beach so seaweedy' I will already be on that beach watching your demise.  Why? Because you're not precautious enough.  

Prime example:  Today I was on the beach, and I was pretending to walk into the water saying how cold it was ready to leave (again, not that I do that).. And I step on something and I swore it moved.  Everyone laughed at me and said it was a rock slipping from under my feet.  That is until the fucking sting ray I had just stepped on and hit my foot with it's little flapper things escaped and started to swim away.  

Think about that. I just ruined the beach for you.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Talent number 1,492,245.6

Yes, I have that many talents, and... fractions of talents.  The '.6' in the number above is how much tact I have got in social situations.

Not that you didn't know, but the number above is a gross exaggeration.  As previously discussed, my talents are far and few, and the majority of them have no real world application.  This one, for example: My ability to caption pictures of animals.

No it's ok, I know what you're thinking.  I obviously spend too much time on the computer.  And the reality is, if you had this talent, you would too (clearly, you don't).  There is no real way to showcase how good I am at it.  For the most part, you'll just have to believe me (lol).

"Lawd have mercy"

 "You hear that??"

Jealous?  I thought so.

I have no idea how Icanhascheezburger has not called me to hire me for my talents.  Quite possibly it's that they are living in fear that I will take over the company.  Smart thinking, Icanhascheezburger, smart thinking.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

What do you call a 30 year old still working at Burger King?

A philosophy major.

No but really, this is my biggest pet peeve.  I feel that the philosophy degree has about the same value as studying home economics.  This rant has been brought on by how I feel about 'bloggers'.  Hello pot, this is kettle, yes I know.

Hear me out.  I was always taught that everyone has their own opinion.  That every opinion is right.  My mother instilled this into even the most diva part of my being (99%).  The idea to me that someone feels their opinion is so much more important that it should take them four years of proper study to hone in on their inner skills for the benefit of mankind goes completely beyond me.

I won't deny that I have a thing for super smart guys.  We all know that if you can do derivatives off the top of your head, or talk to me about politics in an educated (but liberal sorry I am picky) manner, I will be more or less plotting my chances to date you (on a graph, most likely).

That being said, a thesaurus does not a smart man make.  Put down your thesaurus, because I don't find you apt, astute, brilliant, canny, nor clever.  In fact, I would say that I find you to be rather arrogant, pretentious, snobby, and stooping.  See look, I can use a thesaurus too, and it only made you dislike me.  Point proven.  (This is the ONLY thing I learned in my one philosophy class, which I could barely sit through.  I also lack self discipline.)

Ok but regarding the real reason I have made this post.  I have never been a blogger, except for a possible livejournal here or there throughout my angsty youth.  Aside from having previously explained in other posts that I lack the organisational abilities galore, I have never really enjoyed the idea of putting my opinions out for the world, because I feel they are just that.  Opinions.

I won't deny that I get annoyed with people who feel their blog is somehow a manifestation that could one day get published into a novel, because goodness how could it not with all the massively great ideas they are just spewing.  I didn't even want to post on my facebook originally that I had started a blog.  I was embarrassed.

Can we really call a blog of self deprecating humour a pretentious blog though?  I really hope not.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I lack many skills, but being a Diva ain't one

I'm not sure if Spain has just brought out the vajazzled (even my girly wimpy side brings a little diva flare) side of me, or what.  But as of late, I have been nothing short of a wimp.  Which is difficult enough to admit, because more or less this is how I see myself:

Clearly I have identity issues.

I won't deny that having friends in a million different countries has been tiring, both emotionally and financially.  My friends stretch from the USA, to England, to even Norway (depending on if their internet lines are frozen or not), to god knows where.  I think anyone who knows me knows that I am more or less a basket case.  Charming, albeit, but a basket case.  I am forgetful... selectively.

This means that keeping in touch by e-mail or phone are not only quite difficult for me, but require some type of organisation skill that I just seriously don't have.

Anyway.  This is for all of my friends in other countries who are currently lacking a full time black diva in their lives.  I hope your lives have somewhat commenced back to a normal pace and you are no longer living in fear or whatever type of emotion you felt being my friend.

Don't worry.  I think this may be my last emotionally charge nostalgic post.  I think.  The 'bad ass mother fucker' part of me says yes.  That's a pretty big part, by the way.

Besitos, you all know who you are.  I'd post up a cute quote about friendship for you, but, the octopus takes the cake.


There are things in this world I find less scary than the idea of a (clingy) relationship.  These include, but are not exclusive to, the rapture, the end of the world, and being hit by a bus.

I have to admit that sometimes, living in Spain where the women seem to exclusively want boyfriends with whom to be around twenty-four hours a day, has been a little difficult.  You should see some of the reactions I get when I say 'no I am really not looking for a boyfriend at the moment.'  It's comparable to a reaction one might expect when delivering bad news like 'I've got cancer'.

Moreso -- people are relatively shocked by my idea of long distance relationships.  Clearly they have not really worked out for me how I thought they would, just ask Norway, but the idea behind them I still believe in.  (You have your life, I have my life, and at the end of the day we have each other to confide in.  Perfect idea no??)

Clearly, my philosophy on life (or in this case romance) is very different from the masses. But this is why relationships don't work out for me:
1) Why you gotta be calling me all day every day?  I adore you, surely, but maybe not that much.
2) If I am your ONLY ambition, I won't be flattered, I will feel smothered.
3) If you didn't have guy friends, I would be concerned.  Please go out with your guy friends.  I'll go out with my guy friends ... yes.

I feel this should be everyone's philosophy.  Apparently I am alone on this thinking.  And also single.  I think that was more or less a given.

Relationships -- you're doing it wrong.

Surely I can't be that alone on this one.. can I?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Let's play the quote game.

No truly, this is what I do when I have free time on my hands.  This and what I like to call 'owning by existing.'

The game goes like this...

Photobucket has a wide range of 'picture quotes'.  You know the quotes I mean, right?  The quotes about true love, or being yourself, or going against the masses...  The ones that 14 year old girls post up on their facebook and insist on tagging everyone in.

So.  The challenge is to find a picture quote, and finish it to make it more realistic.

....."shop as if your boyfriend won't miss the money"


....."And your other personality might be a little hurt."

....."Because I just got it." (also the type of girl who can't spell silence... or happened.. or I'm...)

But more importantly.  As I was playing this game, and searching through the 'quotes' section of photobucket.  I found this.

Seriously.  How is this a quote.  How.  And how is this in the 'friendship' section?
This octopus clearly has about the same tactful philosophy that I have when it comes to making and maintaining friendships.  If you start out creepy and they still read your e-mails/text messages, you're more or less in the clear for the rest of your friendship.

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.

Bull shit.

Aside from never being prepared, I am also not opportunistic.  Luck is not really on my side.  It never really has been.

I am more or less hoping that writing about all of the ridiculous things that happen to me, and my failed attempts at handling them in a tactful and reasonable manner, will bring some humour into my life.  I've always been told I am pretty funny, but I am pretty sure it's in the 'laugh at' kind of way.  Regardless, when you haven't got many talents to chose from, you have to just go with what you got.  I have the ability to make people laugh.

Let the show begin.